Wednesday, October 1, 2008


it's almost another year, and i wonder how to express how i'm feeling today. this is definitely not where i thought i'd be, and perhaps that is my fault...but in all honesty, i think the blame lies on my inability to control what goes on around me, and the desir to please everyone...i'm entering 22, and i think part of the problem is that over the past few years, i dropped any formal goals that i had already set for myself. i didn't know where i wanted to be right now in terms of my career, education, or love, i only knew that i wanted to be alive...and happy. clearly, im here, but my happiness is definitely questionable.i think it's more of a facade than anything else. over the past year, i lost someone in the worst possible way...pushing him further and further away, until he couldn't take it anymore, because i thought it would make me happy, or at least less miserable.i don't know if this situation is better or worse.i just couldn't livemy life by defining myself on the terms of someone else.i had to learn to be me, and see if i could do anything on my own..i worked hard at trying to please my father, ending up without a clear focus in terms of what i'm doing each day.ultimately, he decided not to care anymore, because im not living his way. he has decided not to deal with me. certain situations in my life have led me to having certain feelings about my worth. when important people seemed to only value certain things about me, i started to value only those things as trying to get away from that. in the past year, i joined an organization, which changed the way people perceived me. this is not fair, because ultimately they mistake my own flaws for those of my organization, or as a result of me joining that organization. my true qualities,interests, and loves they ignore, because all that matters to most anymore is the surface. it's almost like i've worked so hard all my life to become jessica, and now, im not even that anymore.but now i'm starting to realize that really, what matters is that i am becoming me, living without restraints put on me by everyone reflection i feel like my past year was one of tremendous growth. i had some serious struggles, both internally, and externally. i made very big mistakes, and had some successes. this was a year of decisions and disappointments. i think that my 21st year is one that i will never forget, because it changed me so much, and broke so many of my connections and old habits that held me back for so long